Author: Timothy

Dear celebrities, we can’t wait for your new looks. We need time to determine if they are good enough

Dear celebrities, we can’t wait for your new looks. We need time to determine if they are good enough

Hi ladies and gentlemen,

I know that you’re in a rush. And by “you” I mean people like me, to which the response is: “We can’t wait. We’re going to be there in seconds.”

You want to launch beauty, fragrance, accessories or “booze-to-go” in the space of 24 hours so that your fans won’t get cold feet and burn your seed, or might realise it’s not quite the luxurious luxury package you’d originally imagined. Now.

That said, let me preface this article by saying that I love to drink green smoothies, take Pilates classes and watch Extant. If I’m honest, I think your beauty products are harmless, and you may even be profiting off of people’s desperate desire to take a selfie with your fur coat.

The problem with this, of course, is that, due to the ferocious cutthroat rivalry that plagues the world of celebrity, there’s no real way to evaluate the quality of your latest designs.

In fact, if you’re honest with yourself, there’s no way to even say how the queen would define “badge beauty”, or “Good Morning Girlfriend”. Because, perhaps unlike all your fans, I don’t have a hunch it’s either OTT or irrelevant to her mission statement. Your latest fragrances may be minimalist and heartfelt, but when a Mary J Blige is on it, I’ll go for the elephant mask.

So I ask you: please stop on your hair and make-up launches. And maybe take a moment to stare in the mirror and… just think about it for a minute.

Robert Buchanan (@roberttba) Dear celebrity ,

I want you to stop launching fragrances at 4am and remind you that you are just a four-letter word that means hair.

Should I spend ₹1,000 on a Makeup For Water Lipstick Bar?

The Cosmetic Sector Club sent me a Tweet asking me to “join the Cosmetic Sector” (read: pay high fees to help these cosmetic corporations market their awful products) and suggested a few products for my consideration, including a lipstick and set of scrubs that cost ₹1,000 each.

Given that you pretty much rule the planet in the realm of alternative media, my esteemed colleagues at WW have probably already calculated the predicted sale figures from these unjustifiable charges.

There’s nothing wrong with espousing a cause, but at a stroke, this takes away my right to actually have one. Much like how any well-meaning indignant normal person can easily cost a teenager her life if they’re not careful.

I asked the Plasterer’s Guild and the Railways’ Union the same question but no one knew anything about it. Further research would have covered what these things are worth but it became apparent by that point that I was all out of claptrap. It’s simply not worth the trouble.

Funny, but it seems that common sense and fairness have become a bit less common.

Robert Buchanan (@roberttba) Please don’t sell your fans dreams so cheap, as 1/3 of real people can’t afford it.

The correct response? Buy a scrubble.

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